It may have been 30 years ago, but I can still smell her hospital room. August 15th, 1984, the day my life turned. I was just 10 years old. As I have written about before, being motherless can suck. My kids only know their grandmother through the few pictures and stories that I have about her. Breast cancer took her from us when she was 38 years old. To say I am bitter is putting it mildly. I still have moments when I can’t understand why she died.
I started writing about my pain when my kids were young because I was terrified that I would have the same fate as her, and go too young. My blog header is the last happy picture of us before she got sick for the last time. When I turned 39, it was the hardest birthday of my life. Then, I kept living. I took the gift of today and kept being in the moment. There is a mighty chance that I will get to hug my grandchildren.
Many things will cross my mind today, about her and what happened last summer. It was on this day, August 15th, 2013, that the doctor told me that my blood test was clear. After my hysterectomy last June, it was tortuous waiting to see if I would need chemo or more surgery. I didn’t. I have no doubt that my mom had something to do with that.
With that renewal, I dove into being 40 with a vengeance. As I wrote about that on this space, I stopped wishing and started doing. I couldn’t change my fate, but I can change my future and enjoy my family now.
I will still always and forever be the little girl longing for her mother to get out of her hospital bed. When my girls turn 10, it will be a strange place for me. In my heart and soul, I hope I will treat my kids kindly and not lord over them that they are lucky to have me. Because, I am the lucky one. I was lucky to have mom for as long as I did. One day, hopefully in the far future, we will meet again.
I love you, Mom.